Today I had a lady ask me if we had our baby tested for down syndrome.
Without thinking, I said “yes.”
“And he doesn’t have it?”
Wait, what? We didn’t do that. Why did I just say that? I realized I had answered that question without even thinking.
It may not make sense to you, but I believe that was Satan creeping up on me again. ( Not the lady, but the message that it sent to me. ) It was Satan trying to get to me. Trying to get inside my mind.
At the beginning of this pregnancy I had this nagging worry that hangs over my shoulder that something would be wrong with our baby. I have no reason to believe that, but I still worried. I think it’s just in my nature to worry about things.
But from day one, I knew I would refuse any genetic testing that could be done on our children. I didn’t need to know if there was something wrong. It wouldn’t change a single thing for us and how we brought our baby into the world.
At our 20 week ultrasound, our baby looked healthy except for some fluid which appeared to be in his brain. ( Which was considered ” healthy” and ” normal” by our doctor still) Because of this, we were recommended by the technicians ( not my doctor) to get a second ultrasound to see if the fluid was still there. I was sick that day in worry. The doctor told me not to worry. He tried to reassure me it wasn’t a big deal. But his words were not enough. I was a mess worrying myself sick. My husband called the doctor to hear the words himself- don’t worry.
Still, I sat on the couch that day in sickness feeling angry and sad.
At 25 weeks- I decided not to get the ultrasound for the 2nd time. I didn’t see much point in it. I know my baby is healthy and what I need is not an ultrasound that proves I’m right or wrong.
I needed to learn to trust. Or how to trust better. How to give things that I’m worried or concerned about to the Lord. Day after day I’m reminded that the Lord is in control of our lives. He’s got everything figured out, taken care of and planned for us. He does that so we don’t have to. But we get so caught up in our busy lives that we forget that. We forget that he’s got everything taken care of!
We all need reminded of that every now and then don’t we? I run around with my head cut off sometimes frantically thinking , ” What if my baby comes early and I’m not ready and the house is a mess and we don’t have a car seat and…..?! What if something is wrong with him and I don’t know how to take care of him and ….??! What if my husband doesn’t find a job and we have to stay in this house another year?? What if I can’t breast-feed? What if ( enter your biggest concern/worry here?!)
Phew. That takes the breath out of you to worry so much doesn’t it? Yeah- me too.
So when this lady asked me if our baby had down syndrome, I found myself automatically saying no, without really knowing for sure. And for a second, Satan got to me and he had me worrying and questioning myself again, second guessing myself, and thinking maybe there was something wrong with our baby.
( And for the record, I don’t even know why I said ” no.” I lied to her- but on accident- and I didn’t realize it or think much of it until later when I did realize it.)
Then I remembered. God is in control. He is taking care of my baby. He’s got my whole life figured out.
Amen to that.