It was about midnight. Just as we were heading to bed, I went in to check on Lucas. I don’t know if my footprints woke him or if he was already awake, but he was looking right at me. He wasn’t crying, he wasn’t whining, he was just looking at me. Asking to be picked up. To be cuddled.
“Can we bring him to bed?” my husband ask.
I pick him up and yell whispers. “We’re going to have a slumber party! Wanna have a slumber party? A slumber party!”as I bring him into our bedroom.
He is laying in the middle of our bed between my husband and I. It’s dark and I can’t see a thing. It’s cold in our house. The windows are open and the fan is on its lowest setting. My feet are freezing but we’re snuggled in our blankets.
I reach over to put my hand on Lucas’ chest. I find my husbands hand already there, so my hand rest gently on top of his. Then my sweet baby places his hands over ours. Our hands, all three of them, touching.
This is family.
For that brief moment, all was right in the world. All my worries and stresses and pains and frustrations, they all disappeared at that moment. Every ounce of tiredness in me, every bit of anger or anxiousness, it all was at ease.
Every single bill was paid. My house was spotless. I didn’t have stretch marks. I didn’t have hate mail.
I have the most perfect baby.
It was a perfect moment, as if I was living Heaven on earth.
I think I really was.
One of my favorite things about being a mom is holding my sleeping baby. Sometimes I will pick him up while he’s sleeping and hold him while I type at night. I remember when he was an infant, my husband and I would often be watching television in the family room and we would look at each other and be thinking the same thing. Do you miss him? Me too. Then we would get him from his room and take turns holding him while he slept and we watched a movie on low volume.
I think I will always go in his room to hold him and rub his sweet face on mine until he is too heavy to hold. He will never be too heavy to hold. He touches my face and plays with hair like I am his mama and we are best friends. His breaths and his soft snores are the favorite sounds.
And I whisper in his ear, I love you to the moon and back, no I love you further to the moon and back.
Life began when I saw your face