… and He will direct your paths.

I’m not okay tonight.

I miss everyone like crazy and we haven’t even left yet. I miss my parents and my friends and my friends kids. I miss the rain and the trails and the football games. I miss it and I’m still here.

I’m sad that my dad has been out of the country for 4 weeks and the day I welcome him home is also the day I say goodbye. I’m mad that we don’t have tickets home for Christmas yet because they are ridiculously expensive. I’m just mad in general that things cost so much money. I’m mad that I’m going to miss a rivalry football game- my favorite one of the year and one I’ve never missed before. I’m sad that I’m going to miss my good friend’s baby’s 1st birthday party. I’m mad that I’m going to miss another friends wedding. I’m sad that Lucas’ first Christmas is going to be spent flying between here and there and not in our own house with our tree.

I’m sad. I’m mad. I suppose I could use those words interchangeably right now.

I sad that my parents are divorced. It was 4 years ago, but it’s all the same. I forget about it and then I’m reminded suddenly. I wish I could say goodbye to both of them at the same time. In the same house, on the same driveway.

I am the type of person who (usually) keeps a smile on my face. When people ask how I am, I say okay. When my husband ask how I am, I say totally fine. Then I shut the door behind me and cry my eyes out.

I am not okay.

I’m positive. I have to be and I will be. I will remind myself this. Things happen for a reason. For a plan. For a purpose. I believe that. I just need to remind myself. Over and over and over again. This is a good thing. I’m happy this is happening. I can’t wait to visit Santa Clause and kiss a moose. (See! Humor! Sarcasm!) I’m excited to see new things and go on this so called adventure. I’m excited to be in the snow and go ice skating and raise my son in a beautiful place with wildlife.

I never wanted to move to Alaska. But here we are. Alaska bound. So I go with it.

I’m a planner. I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen. I like plans. I don’t like not having a place to live or knowing who/what/when/where. I want to know. I don’t like uncertainty. I don’t like the unknown. People ask me about the weather or the schools or the days vs nights and I’m just like, Uh. I have no idea. No really. I haven’t got a clue. It’s cold and my husband starts school (next) Monday. That’s about all I know.

I would really like to know.

I guess things aren’t unknown are they? They are already laid out perfectly. Every single day, every single hour. It’s already laid out for us. The plans are already made, I just don’t know them yet. Every detail is taken care of. Every day is planned perfectly for our family. I know that is true.

But I’m still sad. A little mad and angry too. And also a little excited, anxious and nervous.

I will embrace and live all of these emotions on my sleeve. I’m okay with that.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3: 5-6

He will direct our paths.

Published by Samantha Mellen

Certified personal trainer & health coach helping women transform their lives through fitness, abundant mindset coaching and internal peace. Mom of two boys, living life in Alaska.

26 thoughts on “… and He will direct your paths.

  1. Every thing you are feeling is completely understandable. It's like starting a whole new life. You will adapt and adjust though, and I'm sure you will find the positive in it all. At least you get to take all your bloggy friends with you! We will be right there with ya, every step of the way!

  2. awwww everything will turn out fantastic! Your son will have so many fun experiences in Alaska!!! My cousin lives in Fairbanks, she just posted on facebook that its
    -32 degrees!!! yikes!! how many people can say theyve lived in temps like that?!?!?!?! It'll be such a great experience =)

  3. I pray that God will meet you where you are, wipe away your sadness, and bless you beyond measure in your new home!

    Lisa @
    All That and a Box of Rocks

  4. It's ok to be mad and sad and scared. God can handle all of those emotions, he has broad shoulders. Just remember to trust in Him, and pray through it all. Good Luck mama!

  5. It's understandable to feel sad and angry at these things. I moved from my home country nearly 3 years ago to marry my husband in the US, then 1 year ago we moved again so we're not in the same country as either my family or my husband's.

    I still sometimes get angry about it, I don't think that will ever go away. It's especially hard when you have kids because you'd like the extended family to be closer. We are however very lucky that we have such wonderful ways of staying in touch via the internet. My son gets to talk to his grandparents on videochat every week.

    Keep your head up and good luck with the move!

  6. Thanks for sharing. And thanks for being honest! I understand completely… I always say “ok” even if I feel like my world is crashing down around me. Just know that a stranger half a world away is praying for you. Keep being honest. If I've learned anything, it's that the Lord is faithful even when we are not. Hang in there, it's gonna be a wild ride 🙂

  7. Your feelings are valid and understandable. Have you talked about how your feeling with your hubby? Maybe come to a compromise-see how it is living there for a while and if you really aren't feeling 100% about it have a chat with him about moving back home. I understand it's easier said than done though..jobs are few and far between these days. I saw someone was talking about video chat-that's a GREAT idea! I wish you all the best of luck:) You seem like such a sweetheart!!

  8. Samantha,

    You are such a good and faithful wife and mother. When Thomas called to share his news with me, I congratulated him and then instantly asked, “how is Samantha doing with all of this?” I can't even imagine what must be going through your head right now. It's all so bittersweet. He's been waiting for a teaching job for MONTHS, and while the waiting was draining, it probably became somewhat comfortable because it was normal. Then POOF over the matter of just a few days, everything was flipped all around and the waiting was over. And now, I'm sure you wish you had a few more weeks of “waiting” left.

    I am so impressed with the way you support your family. You will be SO richly blessed for taking this gi-huge-ic leap of faith and trusting in His divine ability to cause all things to work together for good.

    I am praying for you. Fiercely.


  9. Don't be too scared of the cold weather… I moved from Southern BC to Northern BC and you know, you get used to it. I honestly believe it's really hard to tell the difference between -20 and -40… you don't stay outside long in either!

    Just get a well insulated home and a block heater for your car and you'll be toasty! 🙂

    Good luck and you've got the right attitude, no matter God will take care of you… and he doesn't put us in situations we can't handle! … even -40!

  10. Good news! You're in the same boat as Abraham was! And so am I! A bit different than where you are, but still adrift and we're wondering why. Your posting that verse was very encouraging. Dh was feeling down about our situation two nights ago, and last night was my turn.

    Another verse that I keep reminding myself of is the one about His ways being higher than our ways, and His thoughts higher than ours. And also the one about Him not being slow in keeping His promises as some understand slowness. Sigh. So, big hugs, we're right there with you.

  11. I have felt what you are feeling so many times! We moved a lot growing up across the country and the world, and now I am a military wife. My faith has been very important in helping me have the courage to accept life's paths.

    And it is OK if you're not all smiles. Honor what you are feeling, just don't let yourself get stuck feeling down. You can give me a call anytime if you just want to complain about it all. Change is hard no matter how many time you do it and no matter what people say, but you'll shine through it all in the end.

  12. Samantha-

    I am so sorry that we missed your goodbye party…we were out of town this weekend.

    I'm sad that our little ones won't get to spend the next few years together. I've loved watching you become a mother, and I would have loved to raise our boys together.

    We love you guys and we are hopeful that one day we'll all get to live in the same place!



  13. Hi, Samantha,
    I know it's wintertime now, but our family lived for a summer in Anchorage when I was growing up, and we totally loved it. Your sweet family will adjust in time. You have each other and you have the Lord. I will look forward to reading your blog in the days to come. And God is faithful – He has grand plans for each one of you. ~ Jo Dorr

  14. I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes! You might as well be moving to a different country! Things will work out though. Who knows, you may actually LIKE it once you get there!

  15. I can completely understand where you're at. We go through this every year around this time having to live so far from our families. It's hard to get home for us & equally hard to be here away from them. You'll get through this tho & everything will work out. 🙂

    I left something for you at my blog

  16. I am definitely feeling your emotions through your post, and I admire your strong faith in the face of all this uncertainty. I'm with you in that I think all of these things happen for a reason. And who knows, maybe you'll get there and not enjoy it? If so, you can always move back!

    I do think you should be upfront with your husband about how you are feeling, though. You don't want your emotions to grow into some unspoken resentment toward him for making this move. The resentment may still be there, but I'd suggest you speak about it and get it out in the open.

    Hugs from your cyber-friend,

  17. I'm so sorry… I would be feeling the same way. It is so hard to let go and let God take care of it all, but you're right, He will direct your paths. I'm glad you have Him to lean on! You'll have so many neat experiences to share!

  18. hugs to you!
    look at it the way you would tell a child who was old enough to understand. it's an adventure. a cold one. but it's bound to be wonderful. and we are all here, on twitter and your blog, for support and virtual hugs.
    i get the whole divorce thing. my kids have to deal with that because their dad and i are divorced. it isn't easy, is it?

  19. I just want to thank you for this honest post. I was wondering if you were really so happy and positive ALL the time like you seem on this blog a lot! I have had a rough past month myself and it's just nice to have someone else expressing feeling mad and sad about things and then saying it's OK. Good luck with all of your changes.

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