I’m not okay tonight.
I miss everyone like crazy and we haven’t even left yet. I miss my parents and my friends and my friends kids. I miss the rain and the trails and the football games. I miss it and I’m still here.
I’m sad that my dad has been out of the country for 4 weeks and the day I welcome him home is also the day I say goodbye. I’m mad that we don’t have tickets home for Christmas yet because they are ridiculously expensive. I’m just mad in general that things cost so much money. I’m mad that I’m going to miss a rivalry football game- my favorite one of the year and one I’ve never missed before. I’m sad that I’m going to miss my good friend’s baby’s 1st birthday party. I’m mad that I’m going to miss another friends wedding. I’m sad that Lucas’ first Christmas is going to be spent flying between here and there and not in our own house with our tree.
I’m sad. I’m mad. I suppose I could use those words interchangeably right now.
I sad that my parents are divorced. It was 4 years ago, but it’s all the same. I forget about it and then I’m reminded suddenly. I wish I could say goodbye to both of them at the same time. In the same house, on the same driveway.
I am the type of person who (usually) keeps a smile on my face. When people ask how I am, I say okay. When my husband ask how I am, I say totally fine. Then I shut the door behind me and cry my eyes out.
I am not okay.
I’m positive. I have to be and I will be. I will remind myself this. Things happen for a reason. For a plan. For a purpose. I believe that. I just need to remind myself. Over and over and over again. This is a good thing. I’m happy this is happening. I can’t wait to visit Santa Clause and kiss a moose. (See! Humor! Sarcasm!) I’m excited to see new things and go on this so called adventure. I’m excited to be in the snow and go ice skating and raise my son in a beautiful place with wildlife.
I never wanted to move to Alaska. But here we are. Alaska bound. So I go with it.
I’m a planner. I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen. I like plans. I don’t like not having a place to live or knowing who/what/when/where. I want to know. I don’t like uncertainty. I don’t like the unknown. People ask me about the weather or the schools or the days vs nights and I’m just like, Uh. I have no idea. No really. I haven’t got a clue. It’s cold and my husband starts school (next) Monday. That’s about all I know.
I would really like to know.
I guess things aren’t unknown are they? They are already laid out perfectly. Every single day, every single hour. It’s already laid out for us. The plans are already made, I just don’t know them yet. Every detail is taken care of. Every day is planned perfectly for our family. I know that is true.
But I’m still sad. A little mad and angry too. And also a little excited, anxious and nervous.
I will embrace and live all of these emotions on my sleeve. I’m okay with that.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3: 5-6
He will direct our paths.