I’m sort of struggling tonight. And, because this is my blog and the place where I write about things on my heart, I’m going to do just that.
Listen if you want. But I’ll write like no one is.
I don’t feel like I’m living up to my full potential. That’s hard to swallow when you tell yourself that and when you know it’s the truth. What is my full potential? Well, I don’t know.
I believe certain things. You may or may not believe them for one reason or another and that’s your choice. But I believe them with every ounce of my heart and soul and I’m confident in that. I believe God has plans for us. He has perfect laid out plans for each one of us. Big or small, successful or not, poor or rich, He has the most perfect plan you could ever imagine laid out for your life.
And whether you choose to believe that or not, it’s the truth.
So, I keep asking myself over and over and over again, What is His plan for ME?? I don’t know. And it drives me insane. I feel like I have blessed with many gifts in my life. I love to write. I love to help others. I love children to no end. I love health. I love to encourage healthy habits and educate people on nutrition and exercise. I love the poor. I love babies.
I feel like I’m doing nothing with any of those gifts. I know I’m raising my son. I get that. I know that is THE hardest job and THE most important job. I know that. I know I am called to be a mom right now and raise him the best I know how. I know that. I love that, of course and am thankful and so happy for it. But I want to do more.
I don’t like sitting still. And right now? I feel like I’m trapped to a chair. I have been trying to figure out for the longest time, what I’m suppose to do on this earth. Is it to *just* be a mom? I don’t think it is. I really, really don’t. I think God has more plans for me. He has something so awesome for me and He will use me and my gifts to bless others. But what? And when??
I want to do more. I want to do so much more.
And I’m just frustrated that I don’t know what to do or how to do it.
I feel like God will give you something to do and you will know in your heart that it is what you’re called to do. Well, besides raising my baby boy, I don’t know what I’m called to do.
We each have gifts, you know. We are given those gifts, I believe, so we can bless others. What good is a gift if you just keep it to yourself? If you’re a fabulous cook but all you do is cook for yourself? If you’re a talented painter but all you do is paint things for your house? If you’re a sculptor of clay but all you do is make pots for your own kitchen?
I want to find my gifts and use them right.
Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I’m not looking at opportunities the right way or using situations to their full potential. Or, maybe I’m not patient enough or seeing things the right way. Or maybe my job, for now, is right here and right now. Just being a mom to Lucas. Maybe this is it for a while and I need to learn to be okay with *just* doing this for now.
Does He have a purpose for this blog? Well, of course He does. I hope that I am able to bless, teach or help someone through the things I say here. Maybe more work is being done than I know. But I always ask myself, Is it enough? Is this it?
What about all those kids that I have a heart for that I want to bring into my home and love on? What about the bigger things I want to do with my writing? What about that lady on the street that I pass by every day and wonder about?
… this is the part where I don’t know what to say. Where I am frustrated and confused and bored. The part when I am so sick of living in this room and where I want to go screaming out the front door. The part where I want to pick up my sweet baby and rock him all night long. The part where I just beg God to show me the way of my life. Where I ask that I will learn to use the gifts He has gave me and be satisfied in that.
I want to use all of me in everything. In every action I do, I want it to be every part of my being.
I want to make a difference. I want to help others. I want to do more.
What if I’m not listening? What if He is telling me exactly what to do but I’m not doing anything about it. Is that a possibility? You betcha. What if I’m suppose to write my book but I’m not doing it? But then I say, LORD! I don’t have any words. GIVE ME THE WORDS! Or I should (try to) continue to turn this suppose -to-be-educational-parenting-resource-blog into a business. Then I say, well CRAP. Then what is this personal post doing in here?
There are many things I don’t know about my life. I don’t know much about where I’m going or how I’m going to get there. I don’t know if I will have one child or five. I don’t know if I will be a SAHM or work full time. I don’t know when we will ever get into our own house and wear more than 7 t-shirts.
I do know that I am blessed with an amazing husband and child. I know that I want to live fully and not just say it. I want to bless others and use my gifts and I will ask every day that I’m able to do that in whatever way He chooses.