It is midnight. I’ve spent the last hour sobbing into my pillow case, and in an effort to give my husband some sleep and try to free my mind, I came downstairs. Thank goodness for creative writing or I might not have any eye balls left.
I have spent hours of my day today crying. I’m not talking about the type of cry when your favorite shirt gets a chocolate stain on it or your boyfriend upset you. I’m talking about the type of cry that leaves you with your stomach hurting. It leaves your face red and spotted, it leaves you feeling weak and absolutely miserable. I don’t even remember, if ever, the last time I’ve cried real hard tears.. at least for more than 5 minutes.
Oh Today. Today, and yesterday, have been some emotional days for me. I feel like I’m being pulled.
I accepted a management position at a company in my town, in the health field. I wanted this job so bad. I really wanted it… and I still do want it. I got offered the position just 10 minutes after I had the interview. I was on cloud 9. Cloud 10 or higher. I was so happy, so proud. Finally… something professional I can do. Something I can be good at. Something I can use my degree for. I want to work. I have a side of me that wants this- to be out and in a professional world and doing something good and hard and challenging. It’s part of me.
It was like the best day- the best news- ever.
I felt like God opened this amazing opportunity for me. High Five, man. This rocks.
Management is full time. You can’t really be a part time I only want to week weekends or evenings manager. Full time is what I wanted this summer, when my husband is home with Lucas.
But until then.. that’s 4 weeks. I am such a mess
I feel absolutely stupid and selfish that I would even complain about finding a babysitter for my son when so many people in this world do it. I know it’s normal. People have to make a living. I have just been lucky enough to be at home with my son up until this point.
I am so mad at myself for ever once complaining about being a mom on days where they were long or where Lucas didn’t nap. I’m angry that we didn’t spend more time doing fun things. I feel like such a horrible mom that I will just drop him off with a stranger. He will be so confused and scared.
He needs me. Right?
I need him.
I honestly don’t know how I can leave him. It just makes me want to throw up. It makes me want to crawl into his crib and hold him so close.
I remember, a few weeks ago, I told my husband I would rather eat beans and rice every day then send my child to day care. And now, here we are. I’m not looking at day care centers, but more of small home settings, but its the same idea of leaving my son. Everything changed, I guess, when this opportunity came knocking at my door and I accepted and sang a happy dance and then just hours later sunk into my couch and cried hard tears as I realized what this opportunity and new job would mean.
Oh, I am so selfish. I am acting so selfish. I’m sorry. I know so many moms work full time. They figure it out. Their kids are thriving, happy individuals.
I feel like such a selfish fool, that I would complain about working full time and not being with my son when my husband works full time and only sees Lucas two hours a day. Like, who am I?
Today Lucas and I went to the grocery store and as he sat in the cart and we played this ridiculous game with his pacifier I started crying because, I will miss this. These stupid annoying trips to the grocery store when he must have that damn pacifier and he is trying to crawl out of the cart. And I’m just hanging on by the seat of my pants here thinking please child, stay seated for 15 minutes so I can buy us some food and then please, child, just let me hold you for another minute longer. Don’t ever grow up. Don’t ever leave me. You can have your pacifier until you’re 5, I really don’t care, whatever, just let me sleep with you.
I only have a month of this and then my husband will be home with my son full time.