Looking Back on Thoughts of Being a Working Mom

Now that I’ve “broke the news” to you and told you about my job working full time, I figured I would publish this post that I wrote a little over a month ago, a few days before I was suppose to start my job. I went through a lot of emotions and almost turned down the job. I haven’t edited this post or touched it, this is exactly what I wrote weeks ago. I mainly decided to share this in hopes that it helps someone else out there- that maybe some other mom is going through the same thing. It’s nice to have people you can relate to, ya know? Maybe some of you have had the same feelings or emotions as me, about working full time and leaving your baby at home. Or, maybe not.. and I’m just an emotional mama. 🙂 Either way, read on friends….
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It is midnight. I’ve spent the last hour sobbing into my pillow case, and in an effort to give my husband some sleep and try to free my mind, I came downstairs. Thank goodness for creative writing or I might not have any eye balls left.

I have spent hours of my day today crying. I’m not talking about the type of cry when your favorite shirt gets a chocolate stain on it or your boyfriend upset you. I’m talking about the type of cry that leaves you with your stomach hurting. It leaves your face red and spotted, it leaves you feeling weak and absolutely miserable. I don’t even remember, if ever, the last time I’ve cried real hard tears.. at least for more than 5 minutes.

Oh Today. Today, and yesterday, have been some emotional days for me. I feel like I’m being pulled.

Torn.

I accepted a management position at a company in my town, in the health field. I wanted this job so bad. I really wanted it… and I still do want it. I got offered the position just 10 minutes after I had the interview. I was on cloud 9. Cloud 10 or higher. I was so happy, so proud. Finally… something professional I can do. Something I can be good at. Something I can use my degree for. I want to work. I have a side of me that wants this- to be out and in a professional world and doing something good and hard and challenging. It’s part of me.

It was like the best day- the best news- ever.

I felt like God opened this amazing opportunity for me. High Five, man. This rocks.

Management is full time. You can’t really be a part time I only want to week weekends or evenings manager. Full time is what I wanted this summer, when my husband is home with Lucas.

But until then.. that’s 4 weeks. I am such a mess

I feel absolutely stupid and selfish that I would even complain about finding a babysitter for my son when so many people in this world do it. I know it’s normal. People have to make a living. I have just been lucky enough to be at home with my son up until this point.

I am so mad at myself for ever once complaining about being a mom on days where they were long or where Lucas didn’t nap. I’m angry that we didn’t spend more time doing fun things. I feel like such a horrible mom that I will just drop him off with a stranger. He will be so confused and scared.

He needs me. Right?

I need him.

I honestly don’t know how I can leave him. It just makes me want to throw up. It makes me want to crawl into his crib and hold him so close.

I remember, a few weeks ago, I told my husband I would rather eat beans and rice every day then send my child to day care. And now, here we are. I’m not looking at day care centers, but more of small home settings, but its the same idea of leaving my son. Everything changed, I guess, when this opportunity came knocking at my door and I accepted and sang a happy dance and then just hours later sunk into my couch and cried hard tears as I realized what this opportunity and new job would mean.

Oh, I am so selfish. I am acting so selfish. I’m sorry. I know so many moms work full time. They figure it out. Their kids are thriving, happy individuals.

I feel like such a selfish fool, that I would complain about working full time and not being with my son when my husband works full time and only sees Lucas two hours a day. Like, who am I?

Today Lucas and I went to the grocery store and as he sat in the cart and we played this ridiculous game with his pacifier I started crying because, I will miss this. These stupid annoying trips to the grocery store when he must have that damn pacifier and he is trying to crawl out of the cart. And I’m just hanging on by the seat of my pants here thinking please child, stay seated for 15 minutes so I can buy us some food and then please, child, just let me hold you for another minute longer. Don’t ever grow up. Don’t ever leave me. You can have your pacifier until you’re 5, I really don’t care, whatever, just let me sleep with you.

I only have a month of this and then my husband will be home with my son full time.

_______________________________
4 weeks later…
The past 4 weeks have gone by so fast! I can’t believe my husband is now home with Lucas, yay! The day care experience went much better than expected. I missed him, but not as much as I thought, probably because I’ve been so busy at work. I didn’t worry about him too much either. First we looked for a nanny/babysitter to come tot he house. That was my ideal situation. We couldn’t find anyone so then moved on to looking at SAHM’s. My next door neighbor who has two little girls ended up watching him which worked out perfectly!  I felt safe with him there and it was very convenient being so close to our hose!  Overall, things went really well and went by fast. Work will be much better now knowing that my son is in the hands of his awesome dad. 
I should have published this post earlier I suppose… I don’t know why I didn’t. In conclusion, I really love my job. It has been so good for me to get out of the house and do things, and although I do miss being at home with my son, I have loved this opportunity to work.
I know some of you will ask… I will not continue working full time (if at all) when baby #2 comes. I refuse to put my baby in day care and I want to be home and be a mother to my two kids more than anything. That, after all, is my purpose and meaning in life. My kids are my life and I will give them all of me and everything that they deserve.

Published by Samantha Mellen

Certified personal trainer & health coach helping women transform their lives through fitness, abundant mindset coaching and internal peace. Mom of two boys, living life in Alaska.

11 thoughts on “Looking Back on Thoughts of Being a Working Mom

  1. Thanks for sharing your experience, Samantha. I think a LOT of moms will relate to you. I only work 2 days a week and I always feel guilty complaining about it – when so many moms have to work full time – but it doesn't matter. I still hate it. I still cry sometimes when I leave her. If home is where your heart is, it doesn't matter if it's 4 hours or 40, it sucks.

  2. i've never had to experience what you did. but know the thoughts i have on day care are the same. i worked in one. you are right not wanting your child in one. i'm not saying that they're bad, it's just that when two people are taking care of eight babies at one time…some babies are left to cry for a bit. anyways. glad that it's going well!!

  3. Thanks for sharing Samantha! I have had a few job opportunities that probably would have worked out if I would have truly made myself available, but I chose to stay home with Dylan. I just wasn't ready to leave him yet! :)Anyway, I'm glad that it's working out for your family, and I'm sure it makes a big difference knowing that Lucas is home with Daddy!
    Good for you for getting back out there! 🙂

    Take care,
    Lins

  4. I'm so glad you adjusted well to this transition. It is tough. I too went back to work at about 15months after staying home with my first baby. It was sad. Very sad. But like you, I got busy and it seemed okay. Though I hate knowing I only bring home a little after daycare. It also gives me some adult time that I wouldn't have staying home. Though, what I would give to continue staying home raising my children. And…you've been tagged! http://babeelove.com/?p=4630

  5. Amanda,
    I actually didn't have Lucas in a traditional day care. I refuse to put him in a day care setting with a bunch of kids and if I couldn't have found a mom/nanny to watch him I wouldn't have left him.

    My neighbor who has 2 girls ended up watching him which worked out really well!

  6. I don't have room to speak since my kiddo is only 5 weeks old and going back to work won't happen for a little under year…but I do have experience as a daycare director and I've had to deal with parents who are going through the same thing.

    It's not selfish to want to be home with your child. It's not selfish for you to want him or need him. It's soooo normal. You are a mom. You carried Lucas around for 10 months, you felt him inside you, you gave birth to him and you stayed home with him. You guys have a bond that no one can break and anyone who isn't a mother can't understand.

    I would tell the parents at the daycare this, “Don't feel guilty because you are working. You are working to provide a home, the necessities, and the little extras for your child. Your child is going to enjoy their day at daycare playing with other children. It's going to be hard for the first few days and then it gets easier.”

    I don't think I'm going to have that big of a problem leaving Demi at daycare when I have to go back to work because 1. my husband owns the daycare and 2. my sister works there. My child will be in excellent hands and its not something I have to worry about.

    I'm just going to have to worry about how to handle MY guilt for leaving her. I feel guilty for having to leave her tonight for a wedding…

    I'm really glad to hear that things are working out for your family and that you found a situation that works for you!

  7. Hey girl – so glad things are working out for you guys. You made it through the four weeks and now Lucas and his dad will have a really amazing opportunity to get time together that most kids never get with their fathers. Just look at it that way!!

  8. Sometimes, life takes unexpected turns. I felt much like you when I had to go back to working 5 days a week-I so desperately wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I also needed to work.

    In the end it was so good that I did, because Hubs was laid off and my income was the only thing that kept us afloat.

    You do what you need to do. I don't think that makes you selfish.

  9. I'm in exactly the opposite boat. I went back to work as a teacher (part time) when my beautiful son was 10 weeks old. Oh, how I ached for him! I was trying to pump and nurse (and that was an entirely different story) and i was so lonely at work. But, wouldn't you know, after about a week, i LOVED being back at work. I LOVED feeling intellectually stimulated. I LOVED talking with adults. I didn't love that he was at a daycare that didn't accept cloth diapers. I didn't love that we had to go to formula at daycare because i simply couldn't pump enough for him at daycare. But all in all, I was happy at work. After starting this school year, and going through the separation anxiety all over, I decided about half way through the school year that i wanted to stay at home. It was a huge decision, one that had my husband's full support and encouragement. I just felt like I needed to be home with my son. School will be out in about 5 weeks and now I'm feeling anxiety about being a SAHM! I'm worried that, if the weekends stress me out as much as they do now, how will i ever handle being a SAHM?! I worry about whether my son will receive the same intellectual support that he has at daycare–man, has he learned a lot! I worry about whether we will get cabin fever……i worry a lot!

    Sorry, I didn't mean to write a novel…just wanted to share that I'm in the opposite boat! Congrats on the new job and best wishes for baby #2! 🙂

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