I have had this feeling in my stomach for the past week or so that is driving me crazy. I think it’s a combined feeling of anxious, nervous, scared, excited, worried. I can’t figure it out.
I haven’t been able to fall asleep at a decent hour because my mind is filled with so many thoughts.
I hate it.
It makes me scared and worried and… anxious and nervous.
I need peace. For whatever it is that is bugging me, I need peace.
Maybe it’s the combination of how this pregnancy has gone- baby being in the wrong position, bad experience with the hospital- that has got me filled with these emotions. I know this baby is healthy. I know my body is strong. I know God is faithful. I know He has a perfect plan. I know He is mighty and great.
At night while I’m lying in bed, I feel the Devil put worrisome thoughts in my head. It makes me toss and turn and cry out and finally, I find peace and fall asleep. But, it’s just this unsettling in my stomach that I can’t figure out and I can’t get rid of, and I want it gone.
I wish I could explain it. I want so bad to explain it, but I don’t know what it is.
I pray for peace.
I tell myself something bad is going to happen. Or I question if something bad is going to happen. I wonder if God is trying to tell me something, like if He is trying to prepare me or something. Or if it’s just my worrisome thoughts consuming me.
Maybe it’s the combination of delivering this baby somewhere new with someone new. Maybe it’s the fact that we have no family here and I worry about Lucas. (Our moms will be here the week that the baby is due thank goodness!)
I CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT.
I have been listening to Pandora tonight while praying and writing and hoping that a song would come on that would speak to me. But, nothing, and I have to get to bed.
This baby is due in three weeks. I am so excited, but I am honestly more scared and worried for some reason. I don’t know why. I don’t want to have these emotions or thoughts.
I have even been looking at boy name meanings and seeing if any of them mean peace. Because I just feel like PEACE is what I need right now.
Lord be near. Lord be near.
A couple other thoughts, which could possibly be contributing to these thoughts and feelings more than I realize.
How am I going to love my 2nd child as much as I love Lucas?
What if I don’t love him/her as much as I love Lucas?
What if I’m not a good mom to two kids?
What if Lucas hates his sister/brother?
How am I going to be a mom- a GOOD mom- to my babies?
Silly thoughts, probably. I KNOW our next baby will fit into our family PERFECTLY. I have peace about that, yet I still ask myself these questions and fill myself with worry and anxiety.
I just need peace. About everything.