Peace.

I have had this feeling in my stomach for the past week or so that is driving me crazy. I think it’s a combined feeling of anxious, nervous, scared, excited, worried. I can’t figure it out.

I haven’t been able to fall asleep at a decent hour because my mind is filled with so many thoughts.

I hate it.

It makes me scared and worried and… anxious and nervous.

I need peace. For whatever it is that is bugging me, I need peace.

Maybe it’s the combination of how this pregnancy has gone- baby being in the wrong position, bad experience with the hospital- that has got me filled with these emotions. I know this baby is healthy. I know my body is strong. I know God is faithful. I know He has a perfect plan. I know He is mighty and great.

At night while I’m lying in bed, I feel the Devil put worrisome thoughts in my head. It makes me toss and turn and cry out and finally, I find peace and fall asleep. But, it’s just this unsettling in my stomach that I can’t figure out and I can’t get rid of, and I want it gone.

I wish I could explain it. I want so bad to explain it, but I don’t know what it is.Β 

I pray for peace.

I tell myself something bad is going to happen. Or I question if something bad is going to happen. I wonder if God is trying to tell me something, like if He is trying to prepare me or something. Or if it’s just my worrisome thoughts consuming me.

Maybe it’s the combination of delivering this baby somewhere new with someone new. Maybe it’s the fact that we have no family here and I worry about Lucas. (Our moms will be here the week that the baby is due thank goodness!)

I CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT.

I have been listening to Pandora tonight while praying and writing and hoping that a song would come on that would speak to me. But, nothing, and I have to get to bed.

This baby is due in three weeks. I am so excited, but I am honestly more scared and worried for some reason. I don’t know why. I don’t want to have these emotions or thoughts.

I have even been looking at boy name meanings and seeing if any of them mean peace. Because I just feel like PEACE is what I need right now.

Lord be near. Lord be near.

A couple other thoughts, which could possibly be contributing to these thoughts and feelings more than I realize.

How am I going to love my 2nd child as much as I love Lucas?
What if I don’t love him/her as much as I love Lucas?
What if I’m not a good mom to two kids?
What if Lucas hates his sister/brother?
How am I going to be a mom- a GOOD mom- to my babies?

Silly thoughts, probably. I KNOW our next baby will fit into our family PERFECTLY. I have peace about that, yet I still ask myself these questions and fill myself with worry and anxiety.

I just need peace. About everything.

Published by Samantha Mellen

Certified personal trainer & health coach helping women transform their lives through fitness, abundant mindset coaching and internal peace. Mom of two boys, living life in Alaska.

19 thoughts on “Peace.

  1. Will hold you in prayer that in these last weeks you find peace; about the birthing process and how this new little one will fit into the family.

  2. My daughter was 13 months old when the baby was born, and I had the same exact worries you have now. Afterwards, I felt so silly. When the baby is born and you feed for the first time, you will automatically feel just as overcome with love as you did the first time. And when your son sees his new brother/sister, he will fall in love too!

  3. You and I are are due the same week! This will be our first child and we're very excited but I'm nervous too. I keep thinking, are we ready for this totally life changing experience? I'll be praying for peace and strength for you during these last few weeks.

    “For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind” 2 Tim. 1:7

    I have that verse sitting on my desk, just to remind me during those fearful times.

  4. I have a 3 year old daughter and am about 12 weeks pregnant with my second child. I understand everything you just wrote. I'm not at the point of losing sleep over it just yet, but I'm sure that will come closer to the end of the pregnancy. I think it's human nature and a lot of Satan that is attacking a Mom's natural worrisome nature.
    Hang in there! I will pray that peace washes over you daily.

  5. Samantha, I will be praying that the Lord will give you Peace, especially in these last few weeks of you pregnancy!!! I think us moms are on a constant search for peace! There are so many things to worry about, you know! πŸ™‚ Hang in there girl!

  6. It will turn out just fine. I had the same thoughts before we had our 2nd precious girl. Once I saw her little face when they placed her on my chest I was filled with just as much love as I have for her sister. When we brought her home (Elsa wasn't allowed to visit in the hospital because of swine flu), Elsa saw her baby sister and was her grand protector from the first minute she saw her. Now whenever the two of them are apart Elsa cries for her baby sister and Dixie looks for her big sister.

  7. I felt the exact same when when having #2 and the second that little baby boy was placed in my arms my whole life (our family's life) changed and it was perfect!! I hope you can find some peace before the big day, good luck in the coming weeks! πŸ™‚

  8. I thought those EXACT same questions when I was pregnant with my 2nd. I thought 'How in the world can I love another person as much as I do Gavin?' But then Gage got here and latched on, it was perfect. I was so worried about Gavin, how could I do this to him? I was turning his world upside down. But he has never been jealous. Ever. He accepted Gage as his little brother and doesn't mind it a bit! Yeah, they fight sometimes but thats normal and didn't start until Gage was about 9-10 months old.

    2 is definitely harder though but you get used to it. The sleep deprivation is hardest! You can't sleep when baby sleeps b/c the toddler is nowhere near ready for a nap. But you'll do it like a pro because you're a great mom and you can handle it!

  9. (((HUGS))) I think that's all so totally normal, chica. But even though *I* know that *you* know that, you won't be totally at peace until that little one is safe and secure in your arms.

    You know, pregnancy hormones aren't helping things either. I'll be lifting you in prayer.

  10. You are SO sweet, thanks for sharing your heart! God is so faithful, He will be with you through this time. I felt the same way before Caleb was born, I felt as if something was going to happen to me…I thought I was surely going to die, and I didn't have peace. Each night I felt myself just clinging to God as tightly as I could, crying out to Him. The weeks after Caleb was born, the feeling didn't leave…I think it stayed around for like 3 weeks after he was born. I really think it was the enemy distracting me from such a joyful time with consuming thoughts of worry, anxiety, etc. But, God also used it as a time to draw me unto Him. So, I remember it very well as a time of utter trust and me laying myself upon the alter of His will. It was REALLY hard time though. Praying for you!

    As far as a name goes…the name Noah means comfort, rest. Love that name πŸ™‚ Also the name Asa I read today means “starting life at dawn” which I thought was really sweet for new life.

    You are an amazing woman of God!

  11. change. the answer to the question is probably change. i've been feeling it a little (sometimes a lot) too. a friend wrote about her little ones at the table one day. the 18 mo. old said the three year old's name and the older one replied, “i love you buddy.” it reminded me at just the right time that babe #2 will be another person to add love to our family. we're not going to do all of this perfectly. but look! we did the first one and we had no idea we could! the lord provides πŸ™‚

  12. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. I have two thoughts for you:

    1) Read Philippains 4:6-7. Yes, I know you've read it before, but read it again, and again and again. I think a key part of that passage is giving thanks, even in the midst of struggle.

    2) The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Don't let him steal your joy. He wants to strip us of the joy and peace we have in the Lord. Cling to words that are true!

    Now…deep breath…

  13. I'm not a mom, but I've heard so many times how moms worry about not loving the second child as much as the first, and as soon as you have that baby in your arms your heart expands in an inexplicable way.
    God is faithful…and He will carry you through whatever is coming your way. I know that's so cliche, but it's also true!

  14. As a mom of three, I can tell you that I had those worries with both of the last two kids and it seems like everytime I love them so much and it's like the first one all over again.

    You can do it and I know this because if you love them both enough to worry about it.. than you will be able to pull through it.

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