I have been sitting here for, mmm approximately seven minutes, typing some words and sentences and then pushing the back space bar. I have been bad at this lately, getting my thoughts and emotions out on paper so that they make sense and I can actually, you know, get my thoughts and emotions “out there” the right way. My head hurts tonight too, which isn’t helping. Strange, I don’t remember the last time I had a headache. Anywhoo. Here is my attempt to say what I’m thinking and feeling in less than five minutes (because I really want to take a shower and go to bed now that I’ve (finally) got Joshua sleeping) in a way that might possibly hopefully make sense. Which I’m sure it will because you’re a mom too. Obviously.
I need more arms.
Or a smaller heart. Because my heart is big for my boys and I want to hold both of them at the same time.
I hate it when both children are crying and I can’t hold both of them. I hate that! I want to hold both of them.
I hate it when they both need me and I can’t fully attend to both of their needs. I haaaate when Lucas wants to be picked up and snuggled but Joshua is crying and I have to nurse him or hold him. I can’t put down a screaming newborn.
When I get home from work, the very first thing I want to do (after going to the bathroom and washing my hands) is check on Lucas and pick him up for a cuddle (he’s in bed by the time I get home) and say hi to Joshua and nurse him. But I cant do both right away. So usually I nurse Joshua first and then once he is happy I go upstairs and say hi to Lucas. But then Joshua starts crying again as soon as I get half way up the stairs. And then my heart breaks into a million pieces when Lucas says mama.
My favorite word in the entire world right now? It’s Mama.
Point is, I just need more of me. It’s hard right now, attending to both and doing it well. I feel like one child is always feeling left out or not loved enough.
I hate that.