I Clearly Have No Idea What I’m Doing

Today at work, I was helping out in the day care, and a sweet little blonde hair boy (who reminded me of Lucas) told me he had to go to the bathroom. He was about three or four years old.

Okay. Do you need to go pee or poop? 



So I walk him to the bathroom. 

Do you know how to go by yourself? Or, do you need help? 

I don’t need help. 


Okay, do you want me to go in with you or can do you go by yourself? 

I can go by myself. 

Okay. Well, I’ll wait here until you’re done. 

Did you go? 


Good job! Did you wash your hands? 

No. I don’t need to. 

You need to wash your hands bud! 

No. I don’t need to. 


All along I am just praying that he doesn’t need help wiping his butt. Please don’t say you have to go poop, please please. Please don’t ask me to help you wipe your butt. That’s all I can think about. And praise the Lord, he didn’t need my help.

 I’m really not looking forward to this parenting moment with Lucas and Joshua. I think I’m going to teach them to wipe themselves before they learn to go to the bathroom on the toilet. I feel like that just needs to be a mandatory skill that you learn and master before you go #2 on potty, because mama does not want to wipe your bottom.

I’m sorry, but how do you do that and not throw up in your mouth??

I’m also going to enforce the rule that you only go poop on the toilet when dad is home. That can be a man thing. If I have to do “the talk” when our (soon to be- whenever-hopefully-maybe) daughter hits puberty, then my husband gets to do the “bend over and touch your toes so I can wipe your ass” thing when our boys go poop on the toilet.

End of discussion.

{I’m sorry this was a post about poop. I’ll try to talk about butterflies and flowers next time. }

Published by Samantha Mellen

Certified personal trainer & health coach helping women transform their lives through fitness, abundant mindset coaching and internal peace. Mom of two boys, living life in Alaska.

13 thoughts on “I Clearly Have No Idea What I’m Doing

  1. Hahaha! Sooooo funny. My three-year old boy is mostly potty trained, but still goes poo in his PullUp at some point in the middle of the night/super early morning and I still have to wipe his bum as if he were wearing a diaper. It's no fun at all. NONE. But, when he goes in the afternoon on the potty, I still have to wipe him, only then it's WAAAAAAY less of a mess and is so much easier to deal with than the PullUp poops in the morning. I've tried putting a potty in his bedroom but I think that he just doesn't have the control yet and it's happening too early in the morning. Oh well… at least one poop a day is in the potty!

  2. It's way better than changing a poppy diaper so put your worries to rest! If you can change a messy, up the back poppy diaper…wiping after the toilet is easy peasy!

  3. I know, diapers are disgusting. I have changed lots of poppy diapers, I am pretty much a professional at it! And I’ve only gagged a few times… but I don’t know, something about wiping a big boys butt is just different..

  4. Nah, they won't be big boys' butts; they'll be *your* boys' butts. And I agree that (on average) it's easier than a diaper, because it's not all squished and stuff.

  5. Believe it or not, wiping a butt is a LOT less gross than cleaning out a diaper. Seriously. Less smell, less mess all around. As long as they do it on the toilet, they just have to lean up a little bit on the seat to get wiped. It's only if they do it in their pants that you need to get them to touch their toes.

  6. Haha!! Such a funny post!!! I thought I would be like that too, but it's definitely a lot better than changing a poopy diaper – I've trained my 5 yo son and 3 yo daughter already (and just started w/ my 2 yo daughter today) – My 5 yo finally wipes himself (started around 4). My 3 yo tries – and trust me, it's much better all around if I wipe her butt!!! 🙂
    Plus – I find it's a lot easier to wipe your own kids butts compared to someone elses…

  7. I'm glad I'm not the only one that hates this. From having two boys, I've learned how to hold my breath for a LONG time. And I think the worst thing I've done so far is spray my kid of with a waterhose. LOL He was MAYBE a year old. (Yes it was warm outside.) He had a diaper so bad that I was gagging and it was coming out of the diaper, all over the car seat. I had my friend hold him up while I sprayed him off with the waterhose. Then I left the car seat for dad when he got home. 🙂

  8. That is one thing that I have always been grateful for! I very, very rarely find anything gross! We use cloth diapers for our daughter (which many people find gross b/c you have to wash them out) and I also have a home daycare, so I constantly am dealing with poop!

  9. I totally agree with some of the other commenters.. wiping *your* child's bum is way less gross than dealing with a 2 or 3yr old's poopy diaper/pull-up!! Again, less mess if you wipe them until they are old enough to learn to do it properly.. lol, the things we mom's have to deal with!
    PS I tagged you, check out my blog, http://www.kevinandellen.blogspot.com

  10. Also my LEAST favorite part of motherhood….my four year old still wants help..yet doesn't want it at daycare or preschool…..mmmmm…maybe its a bonding thing she needs? Whatever it is I'm over it. I've also given the poop duty to dad for our boy.

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