To be honest, I am pretty embarrassed and ashamed of myself. So embarrassed that the last thing I want to do is publicly admit where I’m at on my blog that who knows who in what city is reading… but I want so badly to get back on track and stay on track that I’m hoping getting it all out there and openly admitting what I need and want to change will in some way help me.
But I just want to be honest, and writing is the best way I know how to cope.
I am so sick of failure within myself.
I am so sick of saying I’m going to do one thing and not doing it.
I am so sick of starting and stopping and then starting over again.
I am so sick of giving up.
I am so sick of being weak.
I just want to be the person that I want to be.
Except I don’t want to think it, plan it, dream it or imagine it. I WANT TO BE IT.
Why is it so hard? Why am I always making excuses for myself? Why can’t I follow through with my goals and my plans and my dreams? Why, even though I know what I need to do, don’t do it?
Dreams + Goals + ACTION = Success.
I am so embarrassed that so many of you look up to me and think I’m healthy and motivating because I work out and have fitness goals- when right now I am failing miserably.
I’m starting to panic a little because my half marathon is in three months. My fitness level is poor, which is quite a shame because a month ago I was strong and healthy, doing P90X, working out at the gym and running. I was strong. Happy. Confident. Skinnier.
And then- boom. Something happens, I don’t know what, but I let all my progress, goals, dreams- I let it all fall and not only do I let it fall, but I let it crumble to the ground and burn.
Then I wallow because I am literally in every sense back to square one.
My mom even bought me the entire P90X video series and I still haven’t done the full 90 days. Do you know how many people wish they could have P90X to use? I have it and I’m still not doing it. I have a free membership to a gym and I still don’t use it as much as I should. I have two children to live for and I still don’t act on my goals. I don’t understand myself sometimes.
I believe our minds are very powerful, so I am trying really hard to turn my negativity around and be positive and hopeful. So, this is where I will be peppy and positive and hopefully all this talk will go straight to my heart and sink in so deep that it works and sticks with me until the morning when I wake up and begin a new day.
I have 3 months and I can accomplish A LOT in 3 months.
With proper nutrition and training, I can kick ass in the half marathon.
I CAN do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me.
I WILL reach my goals.
Three months is plenty of time to gain back my fitness and strength and improve my running.
If you want something, you have to PLAN it.
If you want something to work, you have to MAKE TIME FOR IT.
If you want something, YOU HAVE TO DO IT.
I want to pretend that when I wake up tomorrow morning I am a brand new person. I can be anyone I want to be. I get to start over tomorrow morning. I get to choose my day, my week, my life. I get to decide what foods to put in my mouth, what attitude I have, what exercise I do, what type of mom and wife I want to be. I get to decide that tomorrow morning.
I’m really not looking for pity- and please don’t tell me I’m being hard on myself, because I’m not. You are all very sweet but I know where I’m coming from and what I have and haven’t done and what I am capable of. I just needed to get these thoughts off my chest, and I feel better now. Thanks for listening, guys.