I am sitting here feeling like I really want to write today. Like i really need to write something to process all the emotions and thoughts I’m experiencing inside me. But I can’t really figure out how to get it out into words or sentences that make sense. I feel like so many things are happening at once and, although I realize my ‘problems’ of today are vastly so very tiny in the big ol’ world, they sure feel like a huge brick inside of me.
I do believe it’s important to allow ourselves to process things. Wether it’s a small thing or a big thing or a thing that makes no sense to anyone else, (which is probably not true. ever. but we do feel that way sometimes.) it’s important to accept what’s happening. That’s the cool thing with writing. You don’t need to figure out how or if it makes sense, you just start putting feelings and experiences into words and it becomes a story.
So here I am today. Not really sure where I stand or what exactly I’m doing but going with the flow of how I’m feeling. And, rather to try to make sense of it all, I am simply just going to roll with it…..
Today we had L’s Kindergarten “interview” which is basically 20 minutes of teacher/student game playing. You are not involved, but secretly you are using your 3rd ear to listen in. Right away you tell yourself how smart your kid is or how you wish you would have spent more time on Costco workbooks. You smile and nod at your kid when he glances your direction, in a way that lets him know how proud you are of him. That numbers and letters and matching and foot hopping are awesome and important, but what i’m most proud of today is that you showed up. You’re doing it right now, kid.
I immediately start crying as the teacher ask me to fill out the get-to-know-you paperwork. These are the emotional moments you aren’t prepared for. No one tells you about this part. I don’t remember reading a single parenting book that explains the emotions that you might experience as the years go on. Everyone tells you the first day of school is hard. Or that birth is hard. Or that seeing your child in pain is hard. Or that paying your bills or keeping you children alive is hard. But no one tells you that you might suddenly feel 6 emotions at once upon Kindergarten open house. No one tells you that you have to make a “comfort kit” for your child. Imagining the what if’s scenarios. How are you suppose to fill all your comfort sources in a ziploc bag? Then you have to write a letter to your child — oh, bring on the tears!! I think that’s torture. I snuck in a pen, some stickers and sticky notes in his underwear. I know that will make him smile. 🙂 (Hopefully he never even sees it, of course!)
Back to the emotions. I remember last year at the preschool conference. I sat down and was handed the preschool picture. I wasn’t prepared for it, I emotionally had not thought about it or imagined it, so when she handed me this picture of the most adorable blonde hair boy with the cutest little smile ever, I started crying. I remember apologizing, confessing that I had no idea where this emotion was coming from. It was the same thing today.
All of a sudden you feel like part of your life is over. As if time passing so rapidly doesn’t make enough sense on it’s own, you are now forced to believe that your oldest child is now of kindergarten age. You start thinking about how amazing this extra time will be, yet how freaking horrible and hard it will be. How a clean playroom will be lovely, but how you will miss walking over precious train cargo. It’s like these things come all at once. You start thinking what it will be like once your youngest – your last kid – goes to school full time. What will life become?! You start thinking maybe you need to have another child. Because if you are not taking care of wild children all day, THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
I sure hope I have done the last five years right.