Engulfed in Motherhood

I thought having your youngest child turn four years meant I would have more of life figured out – more of myself and my life and who I am in this world and who I want to be. I imagined after diapers and nursing and explosions and long nights that I would come out of my shell and become this all amazing multi tasking women.

But I am actually still treading water.

I feel as though I am totally engulfed in this parenting thing, and I’m not saying thats a bad thing, obviously, it’s just that in the midst of raising these two boys I have completely lost sense of who I am as a person, a women, a human being. My identity, my purpose, my plan, my whole existence is surrounded in and around by kids.

I don’t have many, if any, pictures of myself without my kids in them. I realized almost  every time I post on Facebook its either about my kids or a picture of my kids. Is it that my brain is constantly in kid mode? Or maybe I want to write about myself but feel guilty… for clearly no good reason, but I do it anyway. It’s sort of a weird thing to figure out, if you can relate maybe you understand where I’m coming from..

I don’t really know where this puts me. I am so thankful for my job working outside the home several days a week as it helps to give me some sense of identity. I know it has been so good for me and I recommend it to all moms – wether its to help with income or not, it is a great way to get out of the house and do something by yourself and with other adults.

I wonder if I’m the only one who feels this way…. I know I can’t be, but it sure feels like that when I see other moms who make time for themselves and it so wonderfully shows; they are dressed well, in shape, their house seems put together, they clearly make time for girls night and date nights and coffee dates, and even though we shouldn’t compare and we don’t intentionally do it, it’s easy to notice the people in life who stand out in a version of who you want to (or think you should) be.

I want to put myself first more often and take better care of myself. This is something I am continually working on and when I take time for myself intentionally, I am proud. Because I know I am depositing healthy coins into my soul. When I leave a little bit of energy left for me I feel a little less like I’m losing my mind. Just a little less. This is the constant struggle, I suppose, with motherhood and raising small children. How do you give your whole world to your kids and leave some for yourself?

I know, teaching our kids that they are not the only people in the universe and mom gets some time too — see, I get that. But if it were that easy you would not see moms smiling when they’re at Target by themselves on a Thursday afternoon. We get moments to take and sometimes we use them and other times we’re too exhausted, maybe emotionally or physically, that we can’t take them even when we want to.

Moms in need of identity camp, rally on 3!

Published by Samantha Mellen

Certified personal trainer & health coach helping women transform their lives through fitness, abundant mindset coaching and internal peace. Mom of two boys, living life in Alaska.

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