the one thing about myself I never wanted anyone to know

I can’t believe I’m actually writing this, but it’s time. This is one of the steps to the path of freedom.

I struggle with binge eating. I was a binge eater for years. I got so out of control that I gained fifty pounds over four years.

I have been so ashamed and embarrassed of my problems with food, that I’ve kept it a secret. I let shame eat me alive. I let my problem have the power.

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Well, I am not hiding anymore. I have slowly began to open up over the last few months and the amount of connection I’ve experienced from other women has been amazing. People are reaching out and saying – me too. I also struggle with binge eating. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. And it makes me want to cry and reach out and hug you all.

It feels so good to feel normal, doesn’t it. To feel like you’re not actually alone, even though you really struggle with something. Binge eating on certain foods is a feeling you can’t understand unless you’ve been there.

Imagine:
Your at the bottom of a deep hole. In the ground, underneath the sunlight. At the bottom is mud so stuck it’s holding on to your feet, chains are gripping your legs. You look up and see the surface. You can see the sunlight, the normality of it all. The people running, laughter, freedom, strength. You can see it, but you can’t get there. You know if you can just take one chain away from your leg, one at a time, you will slowly be able to crawl yourself out of this hole. It seems so simple, yet it’s suffocating you. You grab hold of it, and then slip. Each time you sink further into the mud, further into the hole. At the bottom. Again.

The cycle of eating/shame/regret/ is viscous and long and complicated. But, that is how I felt about eating sugar and junk food. I felt stuck at the bottom of that real life hole for months and years. I knew I could see the light – I could find the light – but I couldn’t figure out how to actually get to the light.

Have you ever felt like that?

You know the light is up there… somewhere… but you are too trapped in your own trials to get yourself untangled and armored with enough strength to get to and through the light.

It’s not that you feel stuck, its that you are buried. You are buried in shame, exhaustion, guilt, depression, regret… who knows what else.. and you’re trying to bloom.. to become this amazing person that you want to become… – its not like you want to be suffocating under all that dirt! But when you’re stuck, its hard to get out of that hole.

I get it. 

I truly didn’t believe I would ever get out of my hole.

But then one day – after months of internal work, mindset shifts, a long journey – I did. Slowly, at least. And it’s still hard. And I’m probably not even completely running free on the outside quite yet, but I know I’m not stuck under the roots any longer. 

The best thing I’ve ever done is owned my story. Owning my story has also been the most difficult and freeing thing I’ve ever done. But by owning it, I became aware of it and that led me to make changes and write the story I truly wanted to live.

For so long, I hid behind my story. I let it become my truth, and it was silent. At the time, I didn’t realize I was allowing this story – one I didn’t want to be true, but what became my life – to overcome my body. My mind, my spirit, my relationships, my life.

Owning your story has two parts. One is accepting your story. It’s simply acknowledging its presence in your life. It’s diving deep into the chapters and cliff notes of the story that has held you hostage for months or years. Owning your story will allow you to recognize its there. Once I came to terms with it, I was able to move on from it. To accept it, and then learn how to change it. To re-write it, to change the next page in my book. This was powerful.

You have to OWN your story so you can CHANGE your story.
You have to take back your power.
You have to become your own superhero.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I sat on my bedroom floor and screamed out to God, cried out to the world, just begging to heal me from my horrible eating habits, binging on sugar, and feeling like a slave to food. I saw no way out and I was stuck in the deepest roots. I thought I would never escape. I couldn’t understand why God would give me such an intense problem and why wouldn’t he just fix me, make me normal??!!

I thought I would hold these secrets for my life, and then I slowly began to share my story… It was terrifying and freeing all at once.

I began to take back my power.

This is a long journey and there is more to come…. for now…

Just know that whatever you’re going through – you are not alone. 
The one thing that makes you feel alone is the one thing that can connect you with a friend, a stranger, the girl sitting next to you… we are all connected in some way.
Let’s stick together and let’s show up for ourselves every day.
Stop pointing blame.
Start accepting your truth.
Stop giving food the power.
Talk about your problems.
Take control. You’re in the drivers seat now.
xoxo
-Samantha
p.s. I am almost 5 months binge free. I know people say this and we roll our eyes and think, ya right. It won’t happen to me – but I promise you if I can get through this, so can you. I’m only sharing this because I found a note in my journal from 3 years ago. I promised myself that I would use my voice when I felt strong enough to share it. I am just a messenger here — telling a story I never thought I would share.
It is TERRIFYING to share this and to be honest, I don’t really want to. But I feel led to and I never want to break a promise that I make with myself…

Published by Samantha Mellen

Certified personal trainer & health coach helping women transform their lives through fitness, abundant mindset coaching and internal peace. Mom of two boys, living life in Alaska.

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