Hi friends 🙂
I just started sharing my entire story a few months ago. I kinda just decided to be vulnerable and as terrifying as it is, it has blessed me beyond measure. I have received so many messages from you girls telling me that you feel normal, less alone, and full of hope. It seriously makes my day to hear this!!! You guys are telling me I’m an inspiration and — THANK YOU so much, I so appreciate it, but I also don’t feel worthy of the title.
But here’s the thing, I am CERTAIN that this is my story. My purpose, my calling.
I am so certain that the Lord has put me through this struggle so I can bless other women and give Him the Glory, that I can’t help but share. It comes naturally to me to share my story with as much authenticy and realness as possible. I’m not forcing anything, it’s just who I am. I have awesome days and not so awesome days. I’m just this girl who went through life stuff (as you all have!) who turned to food, who developed a binge eating problem, who gained 50 pounds, who kept showing up, who finally lost the weight. (And it ain’t over yet. I just ate 3 granola bars in a row. Feels like I have to tell you that honest nugget right now haha)
You guys have to understand that I struggled – hard – for a good 3 years. I mean, 3 years were the roughest parts, of course there were other edges surrounding those years – but I think it was around 3 years, maybe 4, that it was really rough for me.
I vividly remember crying on my bedroom floor after I had just devoured an entire bag of chips, box of cookies and diet coke; I feel heart palpitations and my stomach is aching – I am literally scared to go to bed because I wonder if I just ate too much to be healthy enough to fall asleep and wake up. I am crying out to God, the universe, the dirty carpet beneath my knees — why. Why is this my story. Why is this my story. Why are you doing this to me. Why can’t you just fix me. Why can’t you just heal me.
I vividly remember trying on clothes that don’t fit, for months in a row. Black leggings were my uniform. My skin was swollen, red, inflamed My skin itched, my scalp itched when I got a huge craving. Hot showers hid tears and took away the burning sensation.
Months – years?- later, I am at the stairs walking slowly up and down them visualizing myself digging out of a hole. I have a shovel in my hand, I see the dirt and weeds around me, and I keep digging, I keep crawling, I keep pulling on the roots till I can get to the top – the outside. I can see the people above me walking. They look so normal and happy and healthy and I just want to get…. there. Up there. I keep working at it because I know eventually, I will get up there.
Then I visualize myself speaking to a huge room full of women, giving them hope and encouragement that freedom and peace and health is out there — you just gotta keep digging.
I start to visualize more. I visualize myself as a fit person. I visualize myself as the type of person who doesn’t’ give up. I visualize myself eating normally in the kitchen and at potlucks. I begin to understand that I can create my identity in my mind. I can manifest who I want to become.
By manifesting who you want to become, you begin to IDENTIFY with who you ant to become.
I start to work on self love, on emotional issues, on internal struggles. I start to work on my mindset, on building it and learning how the brain works. I realize that my mind is the most powerful thing I own and that I can re-wire any neurotransmitters I want and radically change my future, my body, my brain… through my mindset.
I work on all of these things intentionally for an entire year. I stop watching so much TV. I learn to meditate. I stop scrolling the internet. I start to go for walks and listen to podcasts. I stop drowning out my boredom from flipping through the channels. I read more books. And more books. Thank you, amazing authors, You will get a shout out in my first book, promise.)
Now that I’m on the “other side” (I still think of myself as crawling through the “other side” actually — not sure I’m “there” yet) I can sort of understand how this has been set up and how it has all been meant to be. If you haven’t been there, you don’t know. If you haven’t been overweight, you simply cannot understand. If you haven’t had a real addiction to food, you just can’t understand. If you haven’t experienced shame, guilt, embarrassment, you just can’t understand. It’s literally one of those things that you have to go through to understand – just like so many other things in life.
Now, I know it is my purpose and mission to help other women because I have been there. Like really actually BEEN in the trenches, THERE. My education and health coaching/personal training certifications are just an added bonus that has given me more tools and resources to share with people. But my story? That’s mine and it’s what makes me — me. But remember… don’t give me so much credit. I am just a messenger here, sharing the Story that the Good Lord has put me through.
All along, God’s like… I got you, girl. I got you. But you gotta put in the work. You gotta learn these things as you go. This is gonna make sense one day, I promise You will see this a blessing one day. You will learn and grow and become more than you can imagine because of this “problem.” Just keep showing up and eventually…. eventually, I will align the stars for you..
Dear sisters, I see you. I hear you. I feel you. I get you.
Keep showing up. Believe in yourself.